I have to constantly remind myself to get plugged in to myself and stay that way. It is a very challenging process with all of the outside stimulus allowed to control. But this weekend has been a fantastic reminder of why I need to do it.
It seems so stupid that I need to be reminded why I do this! My writing always leaves me with a peaceful, easy feeling and yet I have not been taking the time to do it. It feeds my soul! Why do I neglect myself so? A conversation this morning had me saying that I can easily leave people with the notion that I keep myself centered and care for myself daily. I can be the encourager, the voice of sensibility, the quasi life coach in converations but when I am not doing the deeds for myself I am only playing a part. Doing that is such an exercise in futility! Why play the part? Who is it benefitting and what is the purpose? I know the things to say to be whatever kind of help is needed. I know the behaviors and gestures that go along with it as well. But thinking back to a few interactions with others over the past couple of months I feel a fraud. My self-criticism again, benefits no one. Did I leave them with anything useful? I hope so. Did I leave them with encouragement and positivity? I know so! So let the guilty fraudulent feelings go and be the person, not just play the part.
My 20th class reunion was a surreal event for me. After all of the planning and details I had difficulty enjoying many parts of it. But the surreal part of it is that at one point the first night I had stepped outside and realized in the stillness of the one on one company that I felt the same way I did when I was a teenager. I felt insignificant, uninteresting, like a fish out of water and confused as to how I could inject myself into groups without looking needy. CRAZY! Throughout the last 20 years that is not something that I have vocalized or even remembered on any significant level, but there it was. Flooding me. I can't really be sure at this moment what kind of work I might need to be doing for that whole thing. And quite possible nothing needs to be "done". I certainly don't feel like that in my relationships now but we'll see how that pans out.
I had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with an old friend throughout this weekend and our interactions and conversations led instantly to realizing how I crave good conversation, openness and honestly and just the centered feeling of being who I am and being right where I am supposed to be. The serendipity of yesterday was somewhat baffling yet not at all. I almost missed it all with exhaustion, indecisiveness and closed-minded behavior. Thankfully I just went with it and let it happen. Of course I never would have known what I had missed but knowing now makes me grateful for the slight bit of conscious choice I exercised in the face of the prospect of a much needed nap and some down time. At one point at the end of our day I almost blew it again...but, stopped and said no. I am down with whatever the rest of this day brings no matter how damn tired I am. No matter where we are going. No matter what we are doing. Bring it! And there I was, meeting more great people and engaging in wonderful conversation.
It was one of the best days I can ever remember having. I spent it with one person I know and all the others I had just met. They were warm and open. Kind and interested. Interesting and funny. Unpretentious and generous. Gracious and true. Those are the kind of people I want and need in my life. Those are the days that I want to have on a regular basis.
The setting for the gathering was peaceful nature for the most part. When we arrived I opened my door to the smells of secluded nature. I immediately said, "Wow! It smells so good." I have rarely taken the time to get out and commune with nature even though I know what it does for me. The fresh air quiet peace will be a regular part of my life.
I sit here now with, once again, a commitment to myself. Isn't it a shame that we aren't the first on our list of priorities in caring for ourselves spritually, emotionally and physically?
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