To follow up my last post, I am a bit irritated with myself. That isn't productive, but I AM! When I buckle down and decide to clean and organize I feel so good! So, I just spent a whopping hour doing some deep cleaning and organizing to get this little house ready to be shown when I put my notice in and have SO much junk to throw away! 12 pack soda boxes, boxes from humidifiers, blenders, junk mail, my old golf bag, the box my clubs came in, more junk mail, cleaning out the refrigerator, empty snack boxes.....why do I have so many boxes just laying around? Anyway, making serious progress and going to be in great shape by tomorrow when I go to work. The kids are with me this week and of course we are busy. That is if the weather decides to shape up we'll be busy with baseball and soccer.
I am going to "band practice" today!! I love that I am involved in this. What a great group!!! I actually really wanted to go to Denver this weekend and see my non-boyfriend :) but wanted to make this Sunday afternoon a priority. It is beginning to get extremely difficult to juggle all that I want and need to do, so it is good that I am taking the time for this today.
Next weekend though I am headed down there. I am looking forward to it as it will have been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. In person that is. My close friends have been saying that I shouldn't be the only one traveling to see him and that he should come here. But, I really don't care about it like that. First of all, Denver is WAY more fun than here! My schedule is more flexible...well that isn't really true but sort of. I guess he could come here more but again I don't care! I have realized that I don't want to be seen around this town with anyone over the course of a couple of days because then the talk starts. I may be making my status more important than it really is...I guess more people know him and that is how it would go. But anyway, I really like the anonymity of being there. I am not ready to be classified as in a relationship around here and like the freedom it brings me. What does that mean? It isn't as though I am dating other people. I won't either. I maybe could but not interested. Why would I do that when all of my needs such as they are, are being met now!! I can't say that I have a lot of them, but laughter and fun and honesty are the ones I can think of and there you go. All of those things are right up his alley and I am having fun! We are on the mutual admiration bus and it is good. We both like each other exactly the way we are and we like ourselves more than anyone else likes us :) May sound arrogant but it is true and I don't think it is a bad thing.
I have noticed changes in my attitude lately though. I will have to be more careful as I have been finding myself with NO filter whatsoever and that really isn't how I want to be remembered. Over the top has its place but it isn't everywhere and I need to be aware of the company I am in. A new found freedom to be who I want to be can be overwhelming and I want to leave others with a positive feeling after being around me. Not leave thinking..."wow I hope I don't have to be in "that" kind of company very often. I am exhausted!" Again, I may be putting more emphasis on myself here than is reality but I do feel WAY more boisterous and obnoxious lately. And being aware of my "presence" is an important tool.
This is going to help.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Time and Laziness
I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything I want and need to. I have manty things on my "list" that need to be done yet I rarely take any time to do them. I like to say that I don't have the time , but the bottom line is that I don't take the time. I am a bit lazy when it comes to taking care of little things. I consider them little I suppose, others may not.
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Monday, April 13, 2009
Missing my kids
I am really ready to have this week with my kids. I have really missed them over the weekend and last week. They didn't have any games or events to go to so I worked and slept for the most part and did not see them much.
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
Monday, April 06, 2009
Open to new....CLOSED to old...
The birds are singing away this morning. I love the spring for so many reasons and that is one. Even though we have so much snow on the ground the chirpers make me happy.
It is definitely time to take care of business areound here. I want more work and need to get a couple of jobs knocked out this week. Oh yeah! I forgot to pay my rent and isn't today the 6th? OOPS... Quick drop off this morning I guess.
I had a lot of fun with Bob Saturday! Ours is a friendship that is so peaceful and easy. I know that men have these kinds of friendships...don't talk for a long time, run into each other and it is as though you saw each other yesterday...most women do not. We tend to say hi how are you and on your way....especially if there were ever any "wrong-doings" on either's part. But with guys it all falls back into place. I love it. We are very close and can talk about anything and everything. No topic too big or small, too intense or even embarrassing. I like the freedom it brings to conversations.
I am anxious to hear from the mortgage guy today....I know that it will all be well, but I can't help but be a slight bit nervous anyway. I want that house so badly and am a bit fearful....stop it though Amy! No fear!
My weakness has continued in the bumming cigs area and I am determined to STOP!!! How useless. I imagine it is because I have not been truly focused on any reading etc...for a week or so. Therefore my mind wanders back to that. So, some new reading is on tap for me. I have been doing my writing here, and it has been fulfilling, but it really isn't enough. So, that is next on the list to keep my mind engaged and open to new things and closed to the old. And those nasty things are OLD NEWS!!!
It is definitely time to take care of business areound here. I want more work and need to get a couple of jobs knocked out this week. Oh yeah! I forgot to pay my rent and isn't today the 6th? OOPS... Quick drop off this morning I guess.
I had a lot of fun with Bob Saturday! Ours is a friendship that is so peaceful and easy. I know that men have these kinds of friendships...don't talk for a long time, run into each other and it is as though you saw each other yesterday...most women do not. We tend to say hi how are you and on your way....especially if there were ever any "wrong-doings" on either's part. But with guys it all falls back into place. I love it. We are very close and can talk about anything and everything. No topic too big or small, too intense or even embarrassing. I like the freedom it brings to conversations.
I am anxious to hear from the mortgage guy today....I know that it will all be well, but I can't help but be a slight bit nervous anyway. I want that house so badly and am a bit fearful....stop it though Amy! No fear!
My weakness has continued in the bumming cigs area and I am determined to STOP!!! How useless. I imagine it is because I have not been truly focused on any reading etc...for a week or so. Therefore my mind wanders back to that. So, some new reading is on tap for me. I have been doing my writing here, and it has been fulfilling, but it really isn't enough. So, that is next on the list to keep my mind engaged and open to new things and closed to the old. And those nasty things are OLD NEWS!!!
Friday, April 03, 2009
Gimme more food for thought!
As I search for more new and interesting topics to delve into I wonder what it is I can sink my teeth into. I have chewed on all I can for now about intention, Law of Atrraction, creating and allowing. Now that is not to say that I have mastered them. I know that I haven't. Allowing is going to continue to be a struggle. But I will succeed and it will be so satisfying.
I need to spend some time at the library and/or Borders and get into some different things to pique my interest. I was talking to a friend on the phone last night and he commented on seeing many hawks while he was driving to RC. I asked the significance of that and he explained that it is just a good omen type of thing when they show themselves to you. I thought that maybe the Native American culture and spirituality is something I can learn about. I have never felt interested in it before, but as he told me about the hawks, I thought it just might be what I am looking for.
I want to be more well-rounded in my quest so-to-speak and I want to learn more about many different things. So, I guess I am saying that I am going to hit the library soon and find some books that I can browse through. I realy don't like it when I go to the bookstore and purchase a book that I don't read. So until I find something that I am DYING to make notations in or dog-ear, it is the library for me.
I need to spend some time at the library and/or Borders and get into some different things to pique my interest. I was talking to a friend on the phone last night and he commented on seeing many hawks while he was driving to RC. I asked the significance of that and he explained that it is just a good omen type of thing when they show themselves to you. I thought that maybe the Native American culture and spirituality is something I can learn about. I have never felt interested in it before, but as he told me about the hawks, I thought it just might be what I am looking for.
I want to be more well-rounded in my quest so-to-speak and I want to learn more about many different things. So, I guess I am saying that I am going to hit the library soon and find some books that I can browse through. I realy don't like it when I go to the bookstore and purchase a book that I don't read. So until I find something that I am DYING to make notations in or dog-ear, it is the library for me.
Loving myself!
Several years ago I was turned on to a little book called "When I loved myself enough." by Kim McMillen. It began as handwritten pages passed form person to person and grew beyond that only because of it's message. Which is the title plus the knowing that we are all connected and loving each other begins with loving ourselves.
I have never had a sefl-confidence problem. I am assertive, outgoing, friendly, courageous and often pushy. All of those things go hand in hand for me with my self-confidence. Not cockiness, but confidence. I am confident in my abilities to be good at most anything I attempt. I am confident in my sense of humor, my ideas and opinions. All of this I realize can be too much for many to be around for very long. I have recently begun to TRY to pay a bit more attention, when I am in mixed company, to be more aware of how all of those traits in me may be leaving people feeling. My ego can easily get in the way when I am meeting new people and if i am not paying attention to myself, I can attempt to please others in a way that will make me feel good about myself.
I am getting a little confused here.....
Focus Amy!
I love me and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I am worthy of all that I want and will get it all because I believe that I am worthy and am not trying to prove my value to others, or myself. I love myself enough. One of my favorite pages in the book says: "When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant." WOW! And we always thought that forgiving others was a gift to them right? This little book is so simple yet profound....When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed. So simple but it is a worthiness test. How worthy am I of getting and giving.
When I loved myself enough, I quit talking about the past.
When I lovede myself enough, I gave up smoking.
When I loved myself enough I stopped yelling at my kids.
When I loved myself enough I started picking up other people's litter.
When I loved myself enough, I understood my needs.
I want to leave the people I am around with a sense of who I am not what I am. Who I am is: caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive, open, generous and courageous. And I have to love myself enough to be true to who I am without fear that no one will like me or want to be around me. My ego can get in the way and hope for more, but I want to leave people with a sense of feeling better about themselves and not with the frantic feeling I give myself sometimes. It is my purpose when meeting new people to be true to myself without my ego involved and to portray all that I really am! Again I LIKE....I mean I LOVE it when others laugh at my jokes etc...But that is not the only thing I want to leave people with. I want them to feel good about spending time with me, that I don't suck their energy from them but give back all that they are giving or needing in a scenario.
I recently had cocktails with some friends and one I haven't seen for a long time. As I was leaving I gave "my girls" hugs and she said to me "I am so happy to see you happy! You are positively glowing!" And I said "I AM happy!". Honestly, happiness doesn't even cover it.
I love me! I love who I am around others. I love my enthusiasm and passion for my life and my kids. I love my openness to new ideas.
I have never had a sefl-confidence problem. I am assertive, outgoing, friendly, courageous and often pushy. All of those things go hand in hand for me with my self-confidence. Not cockiness, but confidence. I am confident in my abilities to be good at most anything I attempt. I am confident in my sense of humor, my ideas and opinions. All of this I realize can be too much for many to be around for very long. I have recently begun to TRY to pay a bit more attention, when I am in mixed company, to be more aware of how all of those traits in me may be leaving people feeling. My ego can easily get in the way when I am meeting new people and if i am not paying attention to myself, I can attempt to please others in a way that will make me feel good about myself.
I am getting a little confused here.....
Focus Amy!
I love me and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I am worthy of all that I want and will get it all because I believe that I am worthy and am not trying to prove my value to others, or myself. I love myself enough. One of my favorite pages in the book says: "When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant." WOW! And we always thought that forgiving others was a gift to them right? This little book is so simple yet profound....When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed. So simple but it is a worthiness test. How worthy am I of getting and giving.
When I loved myself enough, I quit talking about the past.
When I lovede myself enough, I gave up smoking.
When I loved myself enough I stopped yelling at my kids.
When I loved myself enough I started picking up other people's litter.
When I loved myself enough, I understood my needs.
I want to leave the people I am around with a sense of who I am not what I am. Who I am is: caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive, open, generous and courageous. And I have to love myself enough to be true to who I am without fear that no one will like me or want to be around me. My ego can get in the way and hope for more, but I want to leave people with a sense of feeling better about themselves and not with the frantic feeling I give myself sometimes. It is my purpose when meeting new people to be true to myself without my ego involved and to portray all that I really am! Again I LIKE....I mean I LOVE it when others laugh at my jokes etc...But that is not the only thing I want to leave people with. I want them to feel good about spending time with me, that I don't suck their energy from them but give back all that they are giving or needing in a scenario.
I recently had cocktails with some friends and one I haven't seen for a long time. As I was leaving I gave "my girls" hugs and she said to me "I am so happy to see you happy! You are positively glowing!" And I said "I AM happy!". Honestly, happiness doesn't even cover it.
I love me! I love who I am around others. I love my enthusiasm and passion for my life and my kids. I love my openness to new ideas.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Serenity
Damn! I read the posts made by friends...shouldn't have done that. Funny how when I am not trying to do this I can think of a million topics to write about but somehow I am feeling pressured in this moment to write something that just in case someone reads this...it will affect them. Talk about having an ego!!!! I have found that to be true in so many things with myself. My ego gets in the way. This writing is not so that I can touch others, but so that I can stay in touch with my source and my God. My destiny, and my peacefulness. It is not meant to be inspiring toothers, but only to serve as my outlet for the power I have in my life.
I could not turn off my brain today as I was driving alone. I could not focus any of my energy on anything other than the pure joy I felt in my own serenity. Serenity seems like the wrong word but if I am defining it correctly in my mind it is basically a calm, peace, free of turmoil state. It was indeed serenity although at times it felt frantic and amazing, and awesome! I always came back to the work serenity. Free of turmoil. I am moving toward a goal of full-time clarity and not just the glimpses I have seen and felt in the last few months. I want to be able to harness all that I have going on right now and keep it steady and flowing throughout the hours of my day.
I could not turn off my brain today as I was driving alone. I could not focus any of my energy on anything other than the pure joy I felt in my own serenity. Serenity seems like the wrong word but if I am defining it correctly in my mind it is basically a calm, peace, free of turmoil state. It was indeed serenity although at times it felt frantic and amazing, and awesome! I always came back to the work serenity. Free of turmoil. I am moving toward a goal of full-time clarity and not just the glimpses I have seen and felt in the last few months. I want to be able to harness all that I have going on right now and keep it steady and flowing throughout the hours of my day.
Settling my mind...
How I continually get amazed at what I KNOW is right is beyond me. After last night's writing session I slept very well. Which has been a very sporadic problem for me since about the middle of February. I have only gotten really good sleep after I have been absoloutely exhausted or fully connected in a reading/journaling session. Last night was no accident. Another wonderful thing is that I actually dreamed!!! Nothing poignant or amazing just a good dream. Progress...
As I laid in bed last night, it was was actually this morning at 1am, I practiced some visualization....I attempt to see the faces of the people that I want to send my energy to. Picture them receiving it and using it for whatever their needs are at the moment. For one person it is for overcoming some sadness. For another I send energy in order to help them with a difficult decision. For another I visualize sending energy that is used for their own deliberate creating.
I have found this an extrememly difficult process in the recent weeks because I find that my own mind is running 1000 miles an hour with all of the things that I have going on. I have never classified myself as being a frivolous in my thoughts. I guess that isn't the word I am really looking for, but... Maybe scatter-brained is more what I am looking for. But that doesn't really fit either. I have never thought that I am a person that is unable to focus and deliberately think on topics for extended periods. That is only becuase I haven't really tried. The process of visualization takes an amount of concentration and meditation that I find difficult to achieve. I can sit or lie with my eyes closed and see a face or a situation clearly then conjur in my mind what the energy I have looks like and see it being sent....it takes several tries to re-focus after I have seen, the snow outside, or a job I am on, or my skids' schedules or what I need at the grocery store. However, I found it to be exhilarating last night.
I am sure that it was the combination of being pretty tired since it was 1 am, and I was feeling SO grounded and centered so it was a bit easier. I trust that the work I do in this realm can be felt by those in my mind and heart. I have felt really powerful mentally lately and I believe that this is a wonderful way for me to "share the wealth" and tone it down enough in my own mind so that I can indeed focus on my own intention. Love, beauty and abundance.
As I laid in bed last night, it was was actually this morning at 1am, I practiced some visualization....I attempt to see the faces of the people that I want to send my energy to. Picture them receiving it and using it for whatever their needs are at the moment. For one person it is for overcoming some sadness. For another I send energy in order to help them with a difficult decision. For another I visualize sending energy that is used for their own deliberate creating.
I have found this an extrememly difficult process in the recent weeks because I find that my own mind is running 1000 miles an hour with all of the things that I have going on. I have never classified myself as being a frivolous in my thoughts. I guess that isn't the word I am really looking for, but... Maybe scatter-brained is more what I am looking for. But that doesn't really fit either. I have never thought that I am a person that is unable to focus and deliberately think on topics for extended periods. That is only becuase I haven't really tried. The process of visualization takes an amount of concentration and meditation that I find difficult to achieve. I can sit or lie with my eyes closed and see a face or a situation clearly then conjur in my mind what the energy I have looks like and see it being sent....it takes several tries to re-focus after I have seen, the snow outside, or a job I am on, or my skids' schedules or what I need at the grocery store. However, I found it to be exhilarating last night.
I am sure that it was the combination of being pretty tired since it was 1 am, and I was feeling SO grounded and centered so it was a bit easier. I trust that the work I do in this realm can be felt by those in my mind and heart. I have felt really powerful mentally lately and I believe that this is a wonderful way for me to "share the wealth" and tone it down enough in my own mind so that I can indeed focus on my own intention. Love, beauty and abundance.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
In the workshop....
The workshop is the place to go on a daily basis to sit and be quiet and for me to deliberately create what I want. Well, I try to attend my workshops daily but have found it difficult to manage lately. In my workshops recently I have been extremely unispired. I have felt that it is my actual writing that is holding me back. I am writing the same things. Thinking the same things and finding it difficult to be creative in any way with the writing. So, this evening in my workshop I have felt inspired to start my blog anew. I sit now, eyes closed typing away "in the zone"...
I started this blog in the summer of 2005. The name of my blog remains the same as that is what I am here to do. Open up and find my truth. This blogspot of trustjourneytruth began at a very stressful time of my life. It did not last long as I was seraching desperately for a safe place to lay it all out and got REALLY lost in so many ways. The wonders of technology saved those entries for me.....I read them and quickly deleted them. Talking about, reading about and thinking about the past is a very bad habit!! I start my blog now with hope and a true sense of myself. No stress....no desperate search for what I should do. Just the understanding that this is what I need to do in order to live my life fully. In order to always stay connected to my source. I am not venting, I am releasing my power by giving it an outlet.
I can create anything I want in my life. All I need to do is think it and it is so. To be easily distracted by many things is a VERY challenging postition I put myself in on a pretty regular basis. I can sit and be peaceful as I am now, and I can also feel frantic and anxious tomorrow when I am allowing myself to be distracted.
I have found myself classifying a recent relationship as a distraction and questioning myself in the situation. However, I have found NO peace whatsoever when I use that distinction to describe. I fully believe that I attract people into my life and that I must allow everything the relationship brings. Allowing is difficult when one constantly questions why. I cannot and do not want to figure out why. I just want it to be. So, how can I do that and still have the fine line of my intention and what I want intact? Well, I can say that I want many things and that all of these things will come to me as I only think of them and not the lack of them. Here's what I want.
I want to someone in my that I can be active with, to laugh a lot and have fun. Altogether enjoy being around.
I want to stay focused on my intention of living in beauty, love, abundance, openness and creativity. I live in the abundance I create.
I want financial freedom. I want to be VERY busy with good jobs.
I want to own the home on Jefferson street as I know that it will be the place for my children and I to build a HOME together finally!!!
I want to have enough money to travel.
I want to have enough money to pay off my bills within a year from now.
I want myself and my children to always be healthy and disease free.
I want to see my sister and her family on a more regular basis.
I want to be fit and have the desire to stay fit, healthy and tobacco free.
I want to smile every day with my children and stay active with them.
I want my children to be appreciative of our blessings and learn HOW to appreciate from me.
I want to give more of myself and my time to those who are in need.
I want a Harley.
I want my vehicle to always be reliable.
I want my hair to grow faster.
I want my chidren to see in me the joy and passion I have for life. I want them to see that it is up to them to create their own life and that anything they want will come.
All of these things I can type and say without any compunction. So as I typed in the first thing I want....there it is. I am getting what I want. Why am I afraid to let it be? I guess I don't know if I am afraid, I am wary and I think that is different than fear. I do not feel trustworthy in a dating type scenario. I can't put my finger on it yet what exactly is going on. Wait a second!!! WHY must I have any part of it fully defined just to feel better? To rationalize? I don't need to feel better about it, I already feel wonderful!!! Stop! Let it be. Being conscious of my behaviors is ok, fear is not! Fear induces my own betrayal of emotion and truth. Fear brings upon my consciousness the untrusting feelings of myself ....which only draws to me exactly what I DO NOT TRUST IN MYSELF!!!! Trust myself to stay true to my intention. Stay clear on what I want and it will be so. I am clear with what I want. I have created it deliberately by thinking it and believeing it to be there. I must now learn how to allow all of those things to manifest in my life. Asking and believing....then being presented with what you want and believed to be coming.....then not allowing it to be so. What a shame that is. I WILL NOT be that person. I will allow all that I want and believe to come to me.
Call it what you will the Universe, Allah, God, Jesus Christ, Budda, Jehovah, The Holy Spirit....I it is my belief that all of those are ONE. That all of those are one and that WE are a part of it. We can and should expect all of the things we want to become reality. What is the good in hoping for, thinking of and then receiving all the crap???? I only want the good. I no longer need the junk in my life to learn lessons. I need only to trust myself and the emotions that guide my being. Consciousness in conscience. Intention....
WOW! In the past 3 weeks I have had moments of what I call "being on fire" but nothing like this with my "writing". Peaceful and true to myself. I needed this and have to thank my friend Kendra for posting on FB that she was updating her blog. When I saw that I knew immediately that this is where I would find my creativity, wisdom, peacefulness, trust of myself and my truth. Aaaaahhhhhh......serenity.
I started this blog in the summer of 2005. The name of my blog remains the same as that is what I am here to do. Open up and find my truth. This blogspot of trustjourneytruth began at a very stressful time of my life. It did not last long as I was seraching desperately for a safe place to lay it all out and got REALLY lost in so many ways. The wonders of technology saved those entries for me.....I read them and quickly deleted them. Talking about, reading about and thinking about the past is a very bad habit!! I start my blog now with hope and a true sense of myself. No stress....no desperate search for what I should do. Just the understanding that this is what I need to do in order to live my life fully. In order to always stay connected to my source. I am not venting, I am releasing my power by giving it an outlet.
I can create anything I want in my life. All I need to do is think it and it is so. To be easily distracted by many things is a VERY challenging postition I put myself in on a pretty regular basis. I can sit and be peaceful as I am now, and I can also feel frantic and anxious tomorrow when I am allowing myself to be distracted.
I have found myself classifying a recent relationship as a distraction and questioning myself in the situation. However, I have found NO peace whatsoever when I use that distinction to describe. I fully believe that I attract people into my life and that I must allow everything the relationship brings. Allowing is difficult when one constantly questions why. I cannot and do not want to figure out why. I just want it to be. So, how can I do that and still have the fine line of my intention and what I want intact? Well, I can say that I want many things and that all of these things will come to me as I only think of them and not the lack of them. Here's what I want.
I want to someone in my that I can be active with, to laugh a lot and have fun. Altogether enjoy being around.
I want to stay focused on my intention of living in beauty, love, abundance, openness and creativity. I live in the abundance I create.
I want financial freedom. I want to be VERY busy with good jobs.
I want to own the home on Jefferson street as I know that it will be the place for my children and I to build a HOME together finally!!!
I want to have enough money to travel.
I want to have enough money to pay off my bills within a year from now.
I want myself and my children to always be healthy and disease free.
I want to see my sister and her family on a more regular basis.
I want to be fit and have the desire to stay fit, healthy and tobacco free.
I want to smile every day with my children and stay active with them.
I want my children to be appreciative of our blessings and learn HOW to appreciate from me.
I want to give more of myself and my time to those who are in need.
I want a Harley.
I want my vehicle to always be reliable.
I want my hair to grow faster.
I want my chidren to see in me the joy and passion I have for life. I want them to see that it is up to them to create their own life and that anything they want will come.
All of these things I can type and say without any compunction. So as I typed in the first thing I want....there it is. I am getting what I want. Why am I afraid to let it be? I guess I don't know if I am afraid, I am wary and I think that is different than fear. I do not feel trustworthy in a dating type scenario. I can't put my finger on it yet what exactly is going on. Wait a second!!! WHY must I have any part of it fully defined just to feel better? To rationalize? I don't need to feel better about it, I already feel wonderful!!! Stop! Let it be. Being conscious of my behaviors is ok, fear is not! Fear induces my own betrayal of emotion and truth. Fear brings upon my consciousness the untrusting feelings of myself ....which only draws to me exactly what I DO NOT TRUST IN MYSELF!!!! Trust myself to stay true to my intention. Stay clear on what I want and it will be so. I am clear with what I want. I have created it deliberately by thinking it and believeing it to be there. I must now learn how to allow all of those things to manifest in my life. Asking and believing....then being presented with what you want and believed to be coming.....then not allowing it to be so. What a shame that is. I WILL NOT be that person. I will allow all that I want and believe to come to me.
Call it what you will the Universe, Allah, God, Jesus Christ, Budda, Jehovah, The Holy Spirit....I it is my belief that all of those are ONE. That all of those are one and that WE are a part of it. We can and should expect all of the things we want to become reality. What is the good in hoping for, thinking of and then receiving all the crap???? I only want the good. I no longer need the junk in my life to learn lessons. I need only to trust myself and the emotions that guide my being. Consciousness in conscience. Intention....
WOW! In the past 3 weeks I have had moments of what I call "being on fire" but nothing like this with my "writing". Peaceful and true to myself. I needed this and have to thank my friend Kendra for posting on FB that she was updating her blog. When I saw that I knew immediately that this is where I would find my creativity, wisdom, peacefulness, trust of myself and my truth. Aaaaahhhhhh......serenity.
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