I have to constantly remind myself to get plugged in to myself and stay that way. It is a very challenging process with all of the outside stimulus allowed to control. But this weekend has been a fantastic reminder of why I need to do it.
It seems so stupid that I need to be reminded why I do this! My writing always leaves me with a peaceful, easy feeling and yet I have not been taking the time to do it. It feeds my soul! Why do I neglect myself so? A conversation this morning had me saying that I can easily leave people with the notion that I keep myself centered and care for myself daily. I can be the encourager, the voice of sensibility, the quasi life coach in converations but when I am not doing the deeds for myself I am only playing a part. Doing that is such an exercise in futility! Why play the part? Who is it benefitting and what is the purpose? I know the things to say to be whatever kind of help is needed. I know the behaviors and gestures that go along with it as well. But thinking back to a few interactions with others over the past couple of months I feel a fraud. My self-criticism again, benefits no one. Did I leave them with anything useful? I hope so. Did I leave them with encouragement and positivity? I know so! So let the guilty fraudulent feelings go and be the person, not just play the part.
My 20th class reunion was a surreal event for me. After all of the planning and details I had difficulty enjoying many parts of it. But the surreal part of it is that at one point the first night I had stepped outside and realized in the stillness of the one on one company that I felt the same way I did when I was a teenager. I felt insignificant, uninteresting, like a fish out of water and confused as to how I could inject myself into groups without looking needy. CRAZY! Throughout the last 20 years that is not something that I have vocalized or even remembered on any significant level, but there it was. Flooding me. I can't really be sure at this moment what kind of work I might need to be doing for that whole thing. And quite possible nothing needs to be "done". I certainly don't feel like that in my relationships now but we'll see how that pans out.
I had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with an old friend throughout this weekend and our interactions and conversations led instantly to realizing how I crave good conversation, openness and honestly and just the centered feeling of being who I am and being right where I am supposed to be. The serendipity of yesterday was somewhat baffling yet not at all. I almost missed it all with exhaustion, indecisiveness and closed-minded behavior. Thankfully I just went with it and let it happen. Of course I never would have known what I had missed but knowing now makes me grateful for the slight bit of conscious choice I exercised in the face of the prospect of a much needed nap and some down time. At one point at the end of our day I almost blew it again...but, stopped and said no. I am down with whatever the rest of this day brings no matter how damn tired I am. No matter where we are going. No matter what we are doing. Bring it! And there I was, meeting more great people and engaging in wonderful conversation.
It was one of the best days I can ever remember having. I spent it with one person I know and all the others I had just met. They were warm and open. Kind and interested. Interesting and funny. Unpretentious and generous. Gracious and true. Those are the kind of people I want and need in my life. Those are the days that I want to have on a regular basis.
The setting for the gathering was peaceful nature for the most part. When we arrived I opened my door to the smells of secluded nature. I immediately said, "Wow! It smells so good." I have rarely taken the time to get out and commune with nature even though I know what it does for me. The fresh air quiet peace will be a regular part of my life.
I sit here now with, once again, a commitment to myself. Isn't it a shame that we aren't the first on our list of priorities in caring for ourselves spritually, emotionally and physically?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My complacency is unacceptable.
The issue we talked about isn't mine but somehow I like to make things mine :) Let it be what it is.
My awareness often comes later than I would like. Being somewhat controlling, I like to be the one to see what I need to in myself and not have to only realize it when something is pointed out. That is, I know, selfish and slightly ridiculous but I can admit to both of those things.
The laws of attraction, deliberate intent and allowing take diligence and conscious effort. Both of those things have been absent in me recently. I will not subscribe to the beating myself up school of thought over not paying attention, however, it is difficult to not be disappointed in myself over the complacency I allow in myself.
That said, I have the responsibility to myself to continually pay attention and be aware of what is going on in my behavior and words. There is no feeling worse than the shame I feel when having someone tell me that something I said or did was hurtful. I realize that it is better to be told than to be completely unaware but I believe myself to be more responsible than all of that behavior. I do not need to be perfect all the time but being blatantly oblivious is unacceptable.
Come on Amy, pay attention. Attract, create and allow!
My awareness often comes later than I would like. Being somewhat controlling, I like to be the one to see what I need to in myself and not have to only realize it when something is pointed out. That is, I know, selfish and slightly ridiculous but I can admit to both of those things.
The laws of attraction, deliberate intent and allowing take diligence and conscious effort. Both of those things have been absent in me recently. I will not subscribe to the beating myself up school of thought over not paying attention, however, it is difficult to not be disappointed in myself over the complacency I allow in myself.
That said, I have the responsibility to myself to continually pay attention and be aware of what is going on in my behavior and words. There is no feeling worse than the shame I feel when having someone tell me that something I said or did was hurtful. I realize that it is better to be told than to be completely unaware but I believe myself to be more responsible than all of that behavior. I do not need to be perfect all the time but being blatantly oblivious is unacceptable.
Come on Amy, pay attention. Attract, create and allow!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
What they don't realize is that not every woman they meet is dying to have a ring on their finger and to be spoiled, pampered etc... The evasiveness that so many men use as a tactic is SO irritating and immature. Not realizing what they are attracting by behaving like that is so sad.
I want someone to spend time with having fun. Golfing, hiking, lake, cooking, socializing! That's it! I don't believe that it is out of the question that I would be able to find someone that is up for that! It isn't as though I am burning through lots of options, but have met a couple of attractive, seemingly interesting and fun people. But when you can't have an actual conversation without dragging information out it gets a bit frustrating.
I consider my Golden, CO resident to be a really good friend. Living 400 miles apart takes some of the bang out of the relationship as well as some other things. But it is all good. I enjoy his company, his smile and just him in general. It is exactly what it is supposed to be no matter how hard we may have tried to have it be a little different. The new always wears off. Now it is maintaining the friendship that is at hand. To be honest it is really better this way anyway because anymore and I could see myself getting out of hand no matter how often I say I wouldn't.
Life is good and I am attracting everything I want.
I want someone to spend time with having fun. Golfing, hiking, lake, cooking, socializing! That's it! I don't believe that it is out of the question that I would be able to find someone that is up for that! It isn't as though I am burning through lots of options, but have met a couple of attractive, seemingly interesting and fun people. But when you can't have an actual conversation without dragging information out it gets a bit frustrating.
I consider my Golden, CO resident to be a really good friend. Living 400 miles apart takes some of the bang out of the relationship as well as some other things. But it is all good. I enjoy his company, his smile and just him in general. It is exactly what it is supposed to be no matter how hard we may have tried to have it be a little different. The new always wears off. Now it is maintaining the friendship that is at hand. To be honest it is really better this way anyway because anymore and I could see myself getting out of hand no matter how often I say I wouldn't.
Life is good and I am attracting everything I want.
My phases of spending.
Uh oh! There I went again! Spending, spending, spending. Oh well, it is stopping today! I am not really that upset about the money I have spent in the last couple of months, but it sure can't go on. The trees are not blooming cash so it is time to put on the brakes. I continually wonder when I will decide that it is more important to save than to spend. Well, I know it is more important, but it sure isn't as fun! But the fun bus has to stop and it has.
I have some good work coming up and I am SO blessed by all the phone calls I receive. Two yesterday and that excites me.
I want to be able to set goals for saving, paying off debt and budget my expenses. I have a difficult time toning it down though when I create the free time that I have been in the past couple of months. Spring is finally here and with the personal things I have been going through it is easy to head out and just buy what I want.
But, at 38 years old it is time to focus on my financial future. I am moving into a house that is going to cost me almost $300 more per month and need to focus on that. This adorable little house is going to take some cash over the next couple of years and the frivolous spending is going to take away from that. I don't want to work until I am 80 so I have to start "paying myself" in the way of my IRA first every month instead of just thinking about doing it. Here's the plan...
1. Stop writing the checks for cash at the favorite pub and just take enough for a cocktail or two.
2. Work smarter even when I am not swamped busy. I tend to create lots of free time and take longer completing jobs when I am not booked solid.
3. I have essentially stopped eating out but still spend on convenience store items for the kids AND myself. Better planning for snacks is imperative.
4. Get my invoices out in a more timely fashion so that the cash flow is more consistent.
5. Moving into the new house...Get organized with bills and paperwork so that nothing important is missed in a month. I haven't missed any important payments, but damn, it is inevitable if I don't get more organized.
6. Fun does no have to include spending. My golfing shouldn't cost any more this summer so that fun is taken care of. The kids' activities shouldn't cost anything but a few dollars at the concession stand when they "need" it! I won't be spending any money on myself for drinks etc...at the concession stands.
So, that is a beginning anyway. Realizing my weaknesses in spending sooner rather than later is a good thing. Time to buckle down and get the bills paid off.
I would really like to be debt free in 5 years. That is going to take some planning. I realize I might need some help in that area but for now this is a very good start.
Life is going perfectly for me! I am attracting what I want and loving every second of it.
I have some good work coming up and I am SO blessed by all the phone calls I receive. Two yesterday and that excites me.
I want to be able to set goals for saving, paying off debt and budget my expenses. I have a difficult time toning it down though when I create the free time that I have been in the past couple of months. Spring is finally here and with the personal things I have been going through it is easy to head out and just buy what I want.
But, at 38 years old it is time to focus on my financial future. I am moving into a house that is going to cost me almost $300 more per month and need to focus on that. This adorable little house is going to take some cash over the next couple of years and the frivolous spending is going to take away from that. I don't want to work until I am 80 so I have to start "paying myself" in the way of my IRA first every month instead of just thinking about doing it. Here's the plan...
1. Stop writing the checks for cash at the favorite pub and just take enough for a cocktail or two.
2. Work smarter even when I am not swamped busy. I tend to create lots of free time and take longer completing jobs when I am not booked solid.
3. I have essentially stopped eating out but still spend on convenience store items for the kids AND myself. Better planning for snacks is imperative.
4. Get my invoices out in a more timely fashion so that the cash flow is more consistent.
5. Moving into the new house...Get organized with bills and paperwork so that nothing important is missed in a month. I haven't missed any important payments, but damn, it is inevitable if I don't get more organized.
6. Fun does no have to include spending. My golfing shouldn't cost any more this summer so that fun is taken care of. The kids' activities shouldn't cost anything but a few dollars at the concession stand when they "need" it! I won't be spending any money on myself for drinks etc...at the concession stands.
So, that is a beginning anyway. Realizing my weaknesses in spending sooner rather than later is a good thing. Time to buckle down and get the bills paid off.
I would really like to be debt free in 5 years. That is going to take some planning. I realize I might need some help in that area but for now this is a very good start.
Life is going perfectly for me! I am attracting what I want and loving every second of it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I woke up this morning to what I should be saying was the pleasant sounds of the birds singing. But, when they are inthe bush right outside my window, chirping two annoying and really loud repetitive sounds....a person just has to go out with the broom to chase them away!!!
Had a great weekend in Sheridan with Rachel's soccer team. I am finally coming to enjoy those times with her! I used to get irritated about the cost of such a trip, the time it took away from other things etc... But I decided a year or so ago that I would embrace these things with my kids and emjoy them as this time in my life is so short! Her team won the tournament and it is so fun to see the smiles on their faces after a victory! Tonight they play a group of boys and it is always fun to watch them get agressive against bigger, stronger kids.
I had a talk with Nick last night about the going to be a teenager activities that young men engage in. I find it so important to keep those lines of communication open and to let him know what is going to be coming up for him. As much as I can anyway. That he should ask me if he has any questions because i know that his friends may talk and that they may not really know what they are talking about. He is such a great kid! I just asked him about what he and his friends talk about etc...and if he wanted me to tell him about different topics. It was a really nice talk and I wanted him to know that it is normal. Gave him the guidelines as to privacy etc...
I adore my kids and they are the most important things in my life.
I am kicking myself for making that last trip to Denver as Penny is heading down there Wed. to go househunting. If I hadn't switched that last weekend, I would be able to join her. Paying the piper I guess. As far as the relationship there goes, it is pretty much at a total stand still. Intimacy issues on the other end are keeping me from investing too much more time. It begins to get complicated and the last thing I want or need in my life is complicated. I don't think that it is a conscious thought process to get over them or understand the reasons and I am not going to be the counselor. I really like the relationship! For the most part it is a positive, fun, experience. All of the joking around and ribbing is fun but even though I don't want a serious relationship, there comes a time when a bit more is required in the way of intimate conversation etc... For me anyway. But, does that eventually lead to a serious relationship? I don't know. I have never approached any like I am now and I suppose it remains to be seen. The relationship really is all about him in many ways and that is one thing that I will not compromise. I am at a time in my life when I know what I want and won't settle. So, there is another reason for the stand still. It is what it is. I enjoy the friendship and suppose that is where it will stand.
Had a great weekend in Sheridan with Rachel's soccer team. I am finally coming to enjoy those times with her! I used to get irritated about the cost of such a trip, the time it took away from other things etc... But I decided a year or so ago that I would embrace these things with my kids and emjoy them as this time in my life is so short! Her team won the tournament and it is so fun to see the smiles on their faces after a victory! Tonight they play a group of boys and it is always fun to watch them get agressive against bigger, stronger kids.
I had a talk with Nick last night about the going to be a teenager activities that young men engage in. I find it so important to keep those lines of communication open and to let him know what is going to be coming up for him. As much as I can anyway. That he should ask me if he has any questions because i know that his friends may talk and that they may not really know what they are talking about. He is such a great kid! I just asked him about what he and his friends talk about etc...and if he wanted me to tell him about different topics. It was a really nice talk and I wanted him to know that it is normal. Gave him the guidelines as to privacy etc...
I adore my kids and they are the most important things in my life.
I am kicking myself for making that last trip to Denver as Penny is heading down there Wed. to go househunting. If I hadn't switched that last weekend, I would be able to join her. Paying the piper I guess. As far as the relationship there goes, it is pretty much at a total stand still. Intimacy issues on the other end are keeping me from investing too much more time. It begins to get complicated and the last thing I want or need in my life is complicated. I don't think that it is a conscious thought process to get over them or understand the reasons and I am not going to be the counselor. I really like the relationship! For the most part it is a positive, fun, experience. All of the joking around and ribbing is fun but even though I don't want a serious relationship, there comes a time when a bit more is required in the way of intimate conversation etc... For me anyway. But, does that eventually lead to a serious relationship? I don't know. I have never approached any like I am now and I suppose it remains to be seen. The relationship really is all about him in many ways and that is one thing that I will not compromise. I am at a time in my life when I know what I want and won't settle. So, there is another reason for the stand still. It is what it is. I enjoy the friendship and suppose that is where it will stand.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Feeling good
To follow up my last post, I am a bit irritated with myself. That isn't productive, but I AM! When I buckle down and decide to clean and organize I feel so good! So, I just spent a whopping hour doing some deep cleaning and organizing to get this little house ready to be shown when I put my notice in and have SO much junk to throw away! 12 pack soda boxes, boxes from humidifiers, blenders, junk mail, my old golf bag, the box my clubs came in, more junk mail, cleaning out the refrigerator, empty snack boxes.....why do I have so many boxes just laying around? Anyway, making serious progress and going to be in great shape by tomorrow when I go to work. The kids are with me this week and of course we are busy. That is if the weather decides to shape up we'll be busy with baseball and soccer.
I am going to "band practice" today!! I love that I am involved in this. What a great group!!! I actually really wanted to go to Denver this weekend and see my non-boyfriend :) but wanted to make this Sunday afternoon a priority. It is beginning to get extremely difficult to juggle all that I want and need to do, so it is good that I am taking the time for this today.
Next weekend though I am headed down there. I am looking forward to it as it will have been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. In person that is. My close friends have been saying that I shouldn't be the only one traveling to see him and that he should come here. But, I really don't care about it like that. First of all, Denver is WAY more fun than here! My schedule is more flexible...well that isn't really true but sort of. I guess he could come here more but again I don't care! I have realized that I don't want to be seen around this town with anyone over the course of a couple of days because then the talk starts. I may be making my status more important than it really is...I guess more people know him and that is how it would go. But anyway, I really like the anonymity of being there. I am not ready to be classified as in a relationship around here and like the freedom it brings me. What does that mean? It isn't as though I am dating other people. I won't either. I maybe could but not interested. Why would I do that when all of my needs such as they are, are being met now!! I can't say that I have a lot of them, but laughter and fun and honesty are the ones I can think of and there you go. All of those things are right up his alley and I am having fun! We are on the mutual admiration bus and it is good. We both like each other exactly the way we are and we like ourselves more than anyone else likes us :) May sound arrogant but it is true and I don't think it is a bad thing.
I have noticed changes in my attitude lately though. I will have to be more careful as I have been finding myself with NO filter whatsoever and that really isn't how I want to be remembered. Over the top has its place but it isn't everywhere and I need to be aware of the company I am in. A new found freedom to be who I want to be can be overwhelming and I want to leave others with a positive feeling after being around me. Not leave thinking..."wow I hope I don't have to be in "that" kind of company very often. I am exhausted!" Again, I may be putting more emphasis on myself here than is reality but I do feel WAY more boisterous and obnoxious lately. And being aware of my "presence" is an important tool.
This is going to help.
I am going to "band practice" today!! I love that I am involved in this. What a great group!!! I actually really wanted to go to Denver this weekend and see my non-boyfriend :) but wanted to make this Sunday afternoon a priority. It is beginning to get extremely difficult to juggle all that I want and need to do, so it is good that I am taking the time for this today.
Next weekend though I am headed down there. I am looking forward to it as it will have been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. In person that is. My close friends have been saying that I shouldn't be the only one traveling to see him and that he should come here. But, I really don't care about it like that. First of all, Denver is WAY more fun than here! My schedule is more flexible...well that isn't really true but sort of. I guess he could come here more but again I don't care! I have realized that I don't want to be seen around this town with anyone over the course of a couple of days because then the talk starts. I may be making my status more important than it really is...I guess more people know him and that is how it would go. But anyway, I really like the anonymity of being there. I am not ready to be classified as in a relationship around here and like the freedom it brings me. What does that mean? It isn't as though I am dating other people. I won't either. I maybe could but not interested. Why would I do that when all of my needs such as they are, are being met now!! I can't say that I have a lot of them, but laughter and fun and honesty are the ones I can think of and there you go. All of those things are right up his alley and I am having fun! We are on the mutual admiration bus and it is good. We both like each other exactly the way we are and we like ourselves more than anyone else likes us :) May sound arrogant but it is true and I don't think it is a bad thing.
I have noticed changes in my attitude lately though. I will have to be more careful as I have been finding myself with NO filter whatsoever and that really isn't how I want to be remembered. Over the top has its place but it isn't everywhere and I need to be aware of the company I am in. A new found freedom to be who I want to be can be overwhelming and I want to leave others with a positive feeling after being around me. Not leave thinking..."wow I hope I don't have to be in "that" kind of company very often. I am exhausted!" Again, I may be putting more emphasis on myself here than is reality but I do feel WAY more boisterous and obnoxious lately. And being aware of my "presence" is an important tool.
This is going to help.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Time and Laziness
I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything I want and need to. I have manty things on my "list" that need to be done yet I rarely take any time to do them. I like to say that I don't have the time , but the bottom line is that I don't take the time. I am a bit lazy when it comes to taking care of little things. I consider them little I suppose, others may not.
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Monday, April 13, 2009
Missing my kids
I am really ready to have this week with my kids. I have really missed them over the weekend and last week. They didn't have any games or events to go to so I worked and slept for the most part and did not see them much.
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
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