I have to constantly remind myself to get plugged in to myself and stay that way. It is a very challenging process with all of the outside stimulus allowed to control. But this weekend has been a fantastic reminder of why I need to do it.
It seems so stupid that I need to be reminded why I do this! My writing always leaves me with a peaceful, easy feeling and yet I have not been taking the time to do it. It feeds my soul! Why do I neglect myself so? A conversation this morning had me saying that I can easily leave people with the notion that I keep myself centered and care for myself daily. I can be the encourager, the voice of sensibility, the quasi life coach in converations but when I am not doing the deeds for myself I am only playing a part. Doing that is such an exercise in futility! Why play the part? Who is it benefitting and what is the purpose? I know the things to say to be whatever kind of help is needed. I know the behaviors and gestures that go along with it as well. But thinking back to a few interactions with others over the past couple of months I feel a fraud. My self-criticism again, benefits no one. Did I leave them with anything useful? I hope so. Did I leave them with encouragement and positivity? I know so! So let the guilty fraudulent feelings go and be the person, not just play the part.
My 20th class reunion was a surreal event for me. After all of the planning and details I had difficulty enjoying many parts of it. But the surreal part of it is that at one point the first night I had stepped outside and realized in the stillness of the one on one company that I felt the same way I did when I was a teenager. I felt insignificant, uninteresting, like a fish out of water and confused as to how I could inject myself into groups without looking needy. CRAZY! Throughout the last 20 years that is not something that I have vocalized or even remembered on any significant level, but there it was. Flooding me. I can't really be sure at this moment what kind of work I might need to be doing for that whole thing. And quite possible nothing needs to be "done". I certainly don't feel like that in my relationships now but we'll see how that pans out.
I had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with an old friend throughout this weekend and our interactions and conversations led instantly to realizing how I crave good conversation, openness and honestly and just the centered feeling of being who I am and being right where I am supposed to be. The serendipity of yesterday was somewhat baffling yet not at all. I almost missed it all with exhaustion, indecisiveness and closed-minded behavior. Thankfully I just went with it and let it happen. Of course I never would have known what I had missed but knowing now makes me grateful for the slight bit of conscious choice I exercised in the face of the prospect of a much needed nap and some down time. At one point at the end of our day I almost blew it again...but, stopped and said no. I am down with whatever the rest of this day brings no matter how damn tired I am. No matter where we are going. No matter what we are doing. Bring it! And there I was, meeting more great people and engaging in wonderful conversation.
It was one of the best days I can ever remember having. I spent it with one person I know and all the others I had just met. They were warm and open. Kind and interested. Interesting and funny. Unpretentious and generous. Gracious and true. Those are the kind of people I want and need in my life. Those are the days that I want to have on a regular basis.
The setting for the gathering was peaceful nature for the most part. When we arrived I opened my door to the smells of secluded nature. I immediately said, "Wow! It smells so good." I have rarely taken the time to get out and commune with nature even though I know what it does for me. The fresh air quiet peace will be a regular part of my life.
I sit here now with, once again, a commitment to myself. Isn't it a shame that we aren't the first on our list of priorities in caring for ourselves spritually, emotionally and physically?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My complacency is unacceptable.
The issue we talked about isn't mine but somehow I like to make things mine :) Let it be what it is.
My awareness often comes later than I would like. Being somewhat controlling, I like to be the one to see what I need to in myself and not have to only realize it when something is pointed out. That is, I know, selfish and slightly ridiculous but I can admit to both of those things.
The laws of attraction, deliberate intent and allowing take diligence and conscious effort. Both of those things have been absent in me recently. I will not subscribe to the beating myself up school of thought over not paying attention, however, it is difficult to not be disappointed in myself over the complacency I allow in myself.
That said, I have the responsibility to myself to continually pay attention and be aware of what is going on in my behavior and words. There is no feeling worse than the shame I feel when having someone tell me that something I said or did was hurtful. I realize that it is better to be told than to be completely unaware but I believe myself to be more responsible than all of that behavior. I do not need to be perfect all the time but being blatantly oblivious is unacceptable.
Come on Amy, pay attention. Attract, create and allow!
My awareness often comes later than I would like. Being somewhat controlling, I like to be the one to see what I need to in myself and not have to only realize it when something is pointed out. That is, I know, selfish and slightly ridiculous but I can admit to both of those things.
The laws of attraction, deliberate intent and allowing take diligence and conscious effort. Both of those things have been absent in me recently. I will not subscribe to the beating myself up school of thought over not paying attention, however, it is difficult to not be disappointed in myself over the complacency I allow in myself.
That said, I have the responsibility to myself to continually pay attention and be aware of what is going on in my behavior and words. There is no feeling worse than the shame I feel when having someone tell me that something I said or did was hurtful. I realize that it is better to be told than to be completely unaware but I believe myself to be more responsible than all of that behavior. I do not need to be perfect all the time but being blatantly oblivious is unacceptable.
Come on Amy, pay attention. Attract, create and allow!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
What they don't realize is that not every woman they meet is dying to have a ring on their finger and to be spoiled, pampered etc... The evasiveness that so many men use as a tactic is SO irritating and immature. Not realizing what they are attracting by behaving like that is so sad.
I want someone to spend time with having fun. Golfing, hiking, lake, cooking, socializing! That's it! I don't believe that it is out of the question that I would be able to find someone that is up for that! It isn't as though I am burning through lots of options, but have met a couple of attractive, seemingly interesting and fun people. But when you can't have an actual conversation without dragging information out it gets a bit frustrating.
I consider my Golden, CO resident to be a really good friend. Living 400 miles apart takes some of the bang out of the relationship as well as some other things. But it is all good. I enjoy his company, his smile and just him in general. It is exactly what it is supposed to be no matter how hard we may have tried to have it be a little different. The new always wears off. Now it is maintaining the friendship that is at hand. To be honest it is really better this way anyway because anymore and I could see myself getting out of hand no matter how often I say I wouldn't.
Life is good and I am attracting everything I want.
I want someone to spend time with having fun. Golfing, hiking, lake, cooking, socializing! That's it! I don't believe that it is out of the question that I would be able to find someone that is up for that! It isn't as though I am burning through lots of options, but have met a couple of attractive, seemingly interesting and fun people. But when you can't have an actual conversation without dragging information out it gets a bit frustrating.
I consider my Golden, CO resident to be a really good friend. Living 400 miles apart takes some of the bang out of the relationship as well as some other things. But it is all good. I enjoy his company, his smile and just him in general. It is exactly what it is supposed to be no matter how hard we may have tried to have it be a little different. The new always wears off. Now it is maintaining the friendship that is at hand. To be honest it is really better this way anyway because anymore and I could see myself getting out of hand no matter how often I say I wouldn't.
Life is good and I am attracting everything I want.
My phases of spending.
Uh oh! There I went again! Spending, spending, spending. Oh well, it is stopping today! I am not really that upset about the money I have spent in the last couple of months, but it sure can't go on. The trees are not blooming cash so it is time to put on the brakes. I continually wonder when I will decide that it is more important to save than to spend. Well, I know it is more important, but it sure isn't as fun! But the fun bus has to stop and it has.
I have some good work coming up and I am SO blessed by all the phone calls I receive. Two yesterday and that excites me.
I want to be able to set goals for saving, paying off debt and budget my expenses. I have a difficult time toning it down though when I create the free time that I have been in the past couple of months. Spring is finally here and with the personal things I have been going through it is easy to head out and just buy what I want.
But, at 38 years old it is time to focus on my financial future. I am moving into a house that is going to cost me almost $300 more per month and need to focus on that. This adorable little house is going to take some cash over the next couple of years and the frivolous spending is going to take away from that. I don't want to work until I am 80 so I have to start "paying myself" in the way of my IRA first every month instead of just thinking about doing it. Here's the plan...
1. Stop writing the checks for cash at the favorite pub and just take enough for a cocktail or two.
2. Work smarter even when I am not swamped busy. I tend to create lots of free time and take longer completing jobs when I am not booked solid.
3. I have essentially stopped eating out but still spend on convenience store items for the kids AND myself. Better planning for snacks is imperative.
4. Get my invoices out in a more timely fashion so that the cash flow is more consistent.
5. Moving into the new house...Get organized with bills and paperwork so that nothing important is missed in a month. I haven't missed any important payments, but damn, it is inevitable if I don't get more organized.
6. Fun does no have to include spending. My golfing shouldn't cost any more this summer so that fun is taken care of. The kids' activities shouldn't cost anything but a few dollars at the concession stand when they "need" it! I won't be spending any money on myself for drinks etc...at the concession stands.
So, that is a beginning anyway. Realizing my weaknesses in spending sooner rather than later is a good thing. Time to buckle down and get the bills paid off.
I would really like to be debt free in 5 years. That is going to take some planning. I realize I might need some help in that area but for now this is a very good start.
Life is going perfectly for me! I am attracting what I want and loving every second of it.
I have some good work coming up and I am SO blessed by all the phone calls I receive. Two yesterday and that excites me.
I want to be able to set goals for saving, paying off debt and budget my expenses. I have a difficult time toning it down though when I create the free time that I have been in the past couple of months. Spring is finally here and with the personal things I have been going through it is easy to head out and just buy what I want.
But, at 38 years old it is time to focus on my financial future. I am moving into a house that is going to cost me almost $300 more per month and need to focus on that. This adorable little house is going to take some cash over the next couple of years and the frivolous spending is going to take away from that. I don't want to work until I am 80 so I have to start "paying myself" in the way of my IRA first every month instead of just thinking about doing it. Here's the plan...
1. Stop writing the checks for cash at the favorite pub and just take enough for a cocktail or two.
2. Work smarter even when I am not swamped busy. I tend to create lots of free time and take longer completing jobs when I am not booked solid.
3. I have essentially stopped eating out but still spend on convenience store items for the kids AND myself. Better planning for snacks is imperative.
4. Get my invoices out in a more timely fashion so that the cash flow is more consistent.
5. Moving into the new house...Get organized with bills and paperwork so that nothing important is missed in a month. I haven't missed any important payments, but damn, it is inevitable if I don't get more organized.
6. Fun does no have to include spending. My golfing shouldn't cost any more this summer so that fun is taken care of. The kids' activities shouldn't cost anything but a few dollars at the concession stand when they "need" it! I won't be spending any money on myself for drinks etc...at the concession stands.
So, that is a beginning anyway. Realizing my weaknesses in spending sooner rather than later is a good thing. Time to buckle down and get the bills paid off.
I would really like to be debt free in 5 years. That is going to take some planning. I realize I might need some help in that area but for now this is a very good start.
Life is going perfectly for me! I am attracting what I want and loving every second of it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I woke up this morning to what I should be saying was the pleasant sounds of the birds singing. But, when they are inthe bush right outside my window, chirping two annoying and really loud repetitive sounds....a person just has to go out with the broom to chase them away!!!
Had a great weekend in Sheridan with Rachel's soccer team. I am finally coming to enjoy those times with her! I used to get irritated about the cost of such a trip, the time it took away from other things etc... But I decided a year or so ago that I would embrace these things with my kids and emjoy them as this time in my life is so short! Her team won the tournament and it is so fun to see the smiles on their faces after a victory! Tonight they play a group of boys and it is always fun to watch them get agressive against bigger, stronger kids.
I had a talk with Nick last night about the going to be a teenager activities that young men engage in. I find it so important to keep those lines of communication open and to let him know what is going to be coming up for him. As much as I can anyway. That he should ask me if he has any questions because i know that his friends may talk and that they may not really know what they are talking about. He is such a great kid! I just asked him about what he and his friends talk about etc...and if he wanted me to tell him about different topics. It was a really nice talk and I wanted him to know that it is normal. Gave him the guidelines as to privacy etc...
I adore my kids and they are the most important things in my life.
I am kicking myself for making that last trip to Denver as Penny is heading down there Wed. to go househunting. If I hadn't switched that last weekend, I would be able to join her. Paying the piper I guess. As far as the relationship there goes, it is pretty much at a total stand still. Intimacy issues on the other end are keeping me from investing too much more time. It begins to get complicated and the last thing I want or need in my life is complicated. I don't think that it is a conscious thought process to get over them or understand the reasons and I am not going to be the counselor. I really like the relationship! For the most part it is a positive, fun, experience. All of the joking around and ribbing is fun but even though I don't want a serious relationship, there comes a time when a bit more is required in the way of intimate conversation etc... For me anyway. But, does that eventually lead to a serious relationship? I don't know. I have never approached any like I am now and I suppose it remains to be seen. The relationship really is all about him in many ways and that is one thing that I will not compromise. I am at a time in my life when I know what I want and won't settle. So, there is another reason for the stand still. It is what it is. I enjoy the friendship and suppose that is where it will stand.
Had a great weekend in Sheridan with Rachel's soccer team. I am finally coming to enjoy those times with her! I used to get irritated about the cost of such a trip, the time it took away from other things etc... But I decided a year or so ago that I would embrace these things with my kids and emjoy them as this time in my life is so short! Her team won the tournament and it is so fun to see the smiles on their faces after a victory! Tonight they play a group of boys and it is always fun to watch them get agressive against bigger, stronger kids.
I had a talk with Nick last night about the going to be a teenager activities that young men engage in. I find it so important to keep those lines of communication open and to let him know what is going to be coming up for him. As much as I can anyway. That he should ask me if he has any questions because i know that his friends may talk and that they may not really know what they are talking about. He is such a great kid! I just asked him about what he and his friends talk about etc...and if he wanted me to tell him about different topics. It was a really nice talk and I wanted him to know that it is normal. Gave him the guidelines as to privacy etc...
I adore my kids and they are the most important things in my life.
I am kicking myself for making that last trip to Denver as Penny is heading down there Wed. to go househunting. If I hadn't switched that last weekend, I would be able to join her. Paying the piper I guess. As far as the relationship there goes, it is pretty much at a total stand still. Intimacy issues on the other end are keeping me from investing too much more time. It begins to get complicated and the last thing I want or need in my life is complicated. I don't think that it is a conscious thought process to get over them or understand the reasons and I am not going to be the counselor. I really like the relationship! For the most part it is a positive, fun, experience. All of the joking around and ribbing is fun but even though I don't want a serious relationship, there comes a time when a bit more is required in the way of intimate conversation etc... For me anyway. But, does that eventually lead to a serious relationship? I don't know. I have never approached any like I am now and I suppose it remains to be seen. The relationship really is all about him in many ways and that is one thing that I will not compromise. I am at a time in my life when I know what I want and won't settle. So, there is another reason for the stand still. It is what it is. I enjoy the friendship and suppose that is where it will stand.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Feeling good
To follow up my last post, I am a bit irritated with myself. That isn't productive, but I AM! When I buckle down and decide to clean and organize I feel so good! So, I just spent a whopping hour doing some deep cleaning and organizing to get this little house ready to be shown when I put my notice in and have SO much junk to throw away! 12 pack soda boxes, boxes from humidifiers, blenders, junk mail, my old golf bag, the box my clubs came in, more junk mail, cleaning out the refrigerator, empty snack boxes.....why do I have so many boxes just laying around? Anyway, making serious progress and going to be in great shape by tomorrow when I go to work. The kids are with me this week and of course we are busy. That is if the weather decides to shape up we'll be busy with baseball and soccer.
I am going to "band practice" today!! I love that I am involved in this. What a great group!!! I actually really wanted to go to Denver this weekend and see my non-boyfriend :) but wanted to make this Sunday afternoon a priority. It is beginning to get extremely difficult to juggle all that I want and need to do, so it is good that I am taking the time for this today.
Next weekend though I am headed down there. I am looking forward to it as it will have been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. In person that is. My close friends have been saying that I shouldn't be the only one traveling to see him and that he should come here. But, I really don't care about it like that. First of all, Denver is WAY more fun than here! My schedule is more flexible...well that isn't really true but sort of. I guess he could come here more but again I don't care! I have realized that I don't want to be seen around this town with anyone over the course of a couple of days because then the talk starts. I may be making my status more important than it really is...I guess more people know him and that is how it would go. But anyway, I really like the anonymity of being there. I am not ready to be classified as in a relationship around here and like the freedom it brings me. What does that mean? It isn't as though I am dating other people. I won't either. I maybe could but not interested. Why would I do that when all of my needs such as they are, are being met now!! I can't say that I have a lot of them, but laughter and fun and honesty are the ones I can think of and there you go. All of those things are right up his alley and I am having fun! We are on the mutual admiration bus and it is good. We both like each other exactly the way we are and we like ourselves more than anyone else likes us :) May sound arrogant but it is true and I don't think it is a bad thing.
I have noticed changes in my attitude lately though. I will have to be more careful as I have been finding myself with NO filter whatsoever and that really isn't how I want to be remembered. Over the top has its place but it isn't everywhere and I need to be aware of the company I am in. A new found freedom to be who I want to be can be overwhelming and I want to leave others with a positive feeling after being around me. Not leave thinking..."wow I hope I don't have to be in "that" kind of company very often. I am exhausted!" Again, I may be putting more emphasis on myself here than is reality but I do feel WAY more boisterous and obnoxious lately. And being aware of my "presence" is an important tool.
This is going to help.
I am going to "band practice" today!! I love that I am involved in this. What a great group!!! I actually really wanted to go to Denver this weekend and see my non-boyfriend :) but wanted to make this Sunday afternoon a priority. It is beginning to get extremely difficult to juggle all that I want and need to do, so it is good that I am taking the time for this today.
Next weekend though I am headed down there. I am looking forward to it as it will have been 3 weeks since we have seen each other. In person that is. My close friends have been saying that I shouldn't be the only one traveling to see him and that he should come here. But, I really don't care about it like that. First of all, Denver is WAY more fun than here! My schedule is more flexible...well that isn't really true but sort of. I guess he could come here more but again I don't care! I have realized that I don't want to be seen around this town with anyone over the course of a couple of days because then the talk starts. I may be making my status more important than it really is...I guess more people know him and that is how it would go. But anyway, I really like the anonymity of being there. I am not ready to be classified as in a relationship around here and like the freedom it brings me. What does that mean? It isn't as though I am dating other people. I won't either. I maybe could but not interested. Why would I do that when all of my needs such as they are, are being met now!! I can't say that I have a lot of them, but laughter and fun and honesty are the ones I can think of and there you go. All of those things are right up his alley and I am having fun! We are on the mutual admiration bus and it is good. We both like each other exactly the way we are and we like ourselves more than anyone else likes us :) May sound arrogant but it is true and I don't think it is a bad thing.
I have noticed changes in my attitude lately though. I will have to be more careful as I have been finding myself with NO filter whatsoever and that really isn't how I want to be remembered. Over the top has its place but it isn't everywhere and I need to be aware of the company I am in. A new found freedom to be who I want to be can be overwhelming and I want to leave others with a positive feeling after being around me. Not leave thinking..."wow I hope I don't have to be in "that" kind of company very often. I am exhausted!" Again, I may be putting more emphasis on myself here than is reality but I do feel WAY more boisterous and obnoxious lately. And being aware of my "presence" is an important tool.
This is going to help.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Time and Laziness
I have all the time in the world to accomplish everything I want and need to. I have manty things on my "list" that need to be done yet I rarely take any time to do them. I like to say that I don't have the time , but the bottom line is that I don't take the time. I am a bit lazy when it comes to taking care of little things. I consider them little I suppose, others may not.
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Little to me is cleaning out my van, or for that matter taking the time each day to keep it clean. After almost 6 months of living in this place I still have many many many boxes lying around. One because I really don't have anywhere for them to go, but secondly, they need to be gone through and sorted. My paperwork situation is a nightmare. I don't take the time daily to keep my kitchen clean.
These things just really aren't important to me. Is it because of that, or is it that I say that only to get away from considering myself "lazy"? It would be nice to always have a home that is picked up etc... but somehow I can't do it. I admit to not trying very hard but...
You know, maybe it is important to me since I am taking the time to write about it here. Maybe I really want to be better but AM just too lazy. HMmmmmmmm.......????
Monday, April 13, 2009
Missing my kids
I am really ready to have this week with my kids. I have really missed them over the weekend and last week. They didn't have any games or events to go to so I worked and slept for the most part and did not see them much.
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
I decided a couple of years ago to stop complaining about all of the activities I have to get them to and that I needed to change my attitude about all of it. So, since then I have tried to always have a smile on my face when talking about all of the things I have to juggle with/for them. I want them to remember that I went to all of their things happily and that it was a fun thing for me to do. Not just an obligation as a parent. This is such a tiny portion of my life, raising my kids, that I want to do it well and have fun with it.
This is really the first nice week we will have had and it has been nice to have some down time. But, we are getting in full swing of basseball for Nick and soccer for Rachel, so here we go!! :)
They have both just gotten over the flu and we had a really nice night at home together watching a movie and just hanging out. Neither one of them are quite ready for the school week, but they don't have a choice....
Monday, April 06, 2009
Open to new....CLOSED to old...
The birds are singing away this morning. I love the spring for so many reasons and that is one. Even though we have so much snow on the ground the chirpers make me happy.
It is definitely time to take care of business areound here. I want more work and need to get a couple of jobs knocked out this week. Oh yeah! I forgot to pay my rent and isn't today the 6th? OOPS... Quick drop off this morning I guess.
I had a lot of fun with Bob Saturday! Ours is a friendship that is so peaceful and easy. I know that men have these kinds of friendships...don't talk for a long time, run into each other and it is as though you saw each other yesterday...most women do not. We tend to say hi how are you and on your way....especially if there were ever any "wrong-doings" on either's part. But with guys it all falls back into place. I love it. We are very close and can talk about anything and everything. No topic too big or small, too intense or even embarrassing. I like the freedom it brings to conversations.
I am anxious to hear from the mortgage guy today....I know that it will all be well, but I can't help but be a slight bit nervous anyway. I want that house so badly and am a bit fearful....stop it though Amy! No fear!
My weakness has continued in the bumming cigs area and I am determined to STOP!!! How useless. I imagine it is because I have not been truly focused on any reading etc...for a week or so. Therefore my mind wanders back to that. So, some new reading is on tap for me. I have been doing my writing here, and it has been fulfilling, but it really isn't enough. So, that is next on the list to keep my mind engaged and open to new things and closed to the old. And those nasty things are OLD NEWS!!!
It is definitely time to take care of business areound here. I want more work and need to get a couple of jobs knocked out this week. Oh yeah! I forgot to pay my rent and isn't today the 6th? OOPS... Quick drop off this morning I guess.
I had a lot of fun with Bob Saturday! Ours is a friendship that is so peaceful and easy. I know that men have these kinds of friendships...don't talk for a long time, run into each other and it is as though you saw each other yesterday...most women do not. We tend to say hi how are you and on your way....especially if there were ever any "wrong-doings" on either's part. But with guys it all falls back into place. I love it. We are very close and can talk about anything and everything. No topic too big or small, too intense or even embarrassing. I like the freedom it brings to conversations.
I am anxious to hear from the mortgage guy today....I know that it will all be well, but I can't help but be a slight bit nervous anyway. I want that house so badly and am a bit fearful....stop it though Amy! No fear!
My weakness has continued in the bumming cigs area and I am determined to STOP!!! How useless. I imagine it is because I have not been truly focused on any reading etc...for a week or so. Therefore my mind wanders back to that. So, some new reading is on tap for me. I have been doing my writing here, and it has been fulfilling, but it really isn't enough. So, that is next on the list to keep my mind engaged and open to new things and closed to the old. And those nasty things are OLD NEWS!!!
Friday, April 03, 2009
Gimme more food for thought!
As I search for more new and interesting topics to delve into I wonder what it is I can sink my teeth into. I have chewed on all I can for now about intention, Law of Atrraction, creating and allowing. Now that is not to say that I have mastered them. I know that I haven't. Allowing is going to continue to be a struggle. But I will succeed and it will be so satisfying.
I need to spend some time at the library and/or Borders and get into some different things to pique my interest. I was talking to a friend on the phone last night and he commented on seeing many hawks while he was driving to RC. I asked the significance of that and he explained that it is just a good omen type of thing when they show themselves to you. I thought that maybe the Native American culture and spirituality is something I can learn about. I have never felt interested in it before, but as he told me about the hawks, I thought it just might be what I am looking for.
I want to be more well-rounded in my quest so-to-speak and I want to learn more about many different things. So, I guess I am saying that I am going to hit the library soon and find some books that I can browse through. I realy don't like it when I go to the bookstore and purchase a book that I don't read. So until I find something that I am DYING to make notations in or dog-ear, it is the library for me.
I need to spend some time at the library and/or Borders and get into some different things to pique my interest. I was talking to a friend on the phone last night and he commented on seeing many hawks while he was driving to RC. I asked the significance of that and he explained that it is just a good omen type of thing when they show themselves to you. I thought that maybe the Native American culture and spirituality is something I can learn about. I have never felt interested in it before, but as he told me about the hawks, I thought it just might be what I am looking for.
I want to be more well-rounded in my quest so-to-speak and I want to learn more about many different things. So, I guess I am saying that I am going to hit the library soon and find some books that I can browse through. I realy don't like it when I go to the bookstore and purchase a book that I don't read. So until I find something that I am DYING to make notations in or dog-ear, it is the library for me.
Loving myself!
Several years ago I was turned on to a little book called "When I loved myself enough." by Kim McMillen. It began as handwritten pages passed form person to person and grew beyond that only because of it's message. Which is the title plus the knowing that we are all connected and loving each other begins with loving ourselves.
I have never had a sefl-confidence problem. I am assertive, outgoing, friendly, courageous and often pushy. All of those things go hand in hand for me with my self-confidence. Not cockiness, but confidence. I am confident in my abilities to be good at most anything I attempt. I am confident in my sense of humor, my ideas and opinions. All of this I realize can be too much for many to be around for very long. I have recently begun to TRY to pay a bit more attention, when I am in mixed company, to be more aware of how all of those traits in me may be leaving people feeling. My ego can easily get in the way when I am meeting new people and if i am not paying attention to myself, I can attempt to please others in a way that will make me feel good about myself.
I am getting a little confused here.....
Focus Amy!
I love me and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I am worthy of all that I want and will get it all because I believe that I am worthy and am not trying to prove my value to others, or myself. I love myself enough. One of my favorite pages in the book says: "When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant." WOW! And we always thought that forgiving others was a gift to them right? This little book is so simple yet profound....When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed. So simple but it is a worthiness test. How worthy am I of getting and giving.
When I loved myself enough, I quit talking about the past.
When I lovede myself enough, I gave up smoking.
When I loved myself enough I stopped yelling at my kids.
When I loved myself enough I started picking up other people's litter.
When I loved myself enough, I understood my needs.
I want to leave the people I am around with a sense of who I am not what I am. Who I am is: caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive, open, generous and courageous. And I have to love myself enough to be true to who I am without fear that no one will like me or want to be around me. My ego can get in the way and hope for more, but I want to leave people with a sense of feeling better about themselves and not with the frantic feeling I give myself sometimes. It is my purpose when meeting new people to be true to myself without my ego involved and to portray all that I really am! Again I LIKE....I mean I LOVE it when others laugh at my jokes etc...But that is not the only thing I want to leave people with. I want them to feel good about spending time with me, that I don't suck their energy from them but give back all that they are giving or needing in a scenario.
I recently had cocktails with some friends and one I haven't seen for a long time. As I was leaving I gave "my girls" hugs and she said to me "I am so happy to see you happy! You are positively glowing!" And I said "I AM happy!". Honestly, happiness doesn't even cover it.
I love me! I love who I am around others. I love my enthusiasm and passion for my life and my kids. I love my openness to new ideas.
I have never had a sefl-confidence problem. I am assertive, outgoing, friendly, courageous and often pushy. All of those things go hand in hand for me with my self-confidence. Not cockiness, but confidence. I am confident in my abilities to be good at most anything I attempt. I am confident in my sense of humor, my ideas and opinions. All of this I realize can be too much for many to be around for very long. I have recently begun to TRY to pay a bit more attention, when I am in mixed company, to be more aware of how all of those traits in me may be leaving people feeling. My ego can easily get in the way when I am meeting new people and if i am not paying attention to myself, I can attempt to please others in a way that will make me feel good about myself.
I am getting a little confused here.....
Focus Amy!
I love me and I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I am worthy of all that I want and will get it all because I believe that I am worthy and am not trying to prove my value to others, or myself. I love myself enough. One of my favorite pages in the book says: "When I loved myself enough forgiving others became irrelevant." WOW! And we always thought that forgiving others was a gift to them right? This little book is so simple yet profound....When I loved myself enough I bought a feather bed. So simple but it is a worthiness test. How worthy am I of getting and giving.
When I loved myself enough, I quit talking about the past.
When I lovede myself enough, I gave up smoking.
When I loved myself enough I stopped yelling at my kids.
When I loved myself enough I started picking up other people's litter.
When I loved myself enough, I understood my needs.
I want to leave the people I am around with a sense of who I am not what I am. Who I am is: caring, loving, sensitive, intuitive, open, generous and courageous. And I have to love myself enough to be true to who I am without fear that no one will like me or want to be around me. My ego can get in the way and hope for more, but I want to leave people with a sense of feeling better about themselves and not with the frantic feeling I give myself sometimes. It is my purpose when meeting new people to be true to myself without my ego involved and to portray all that I really am! Again I LIKE....I mean I LOVE it when others laugh at my jokes etc...But that is not the only thing I want to leave people with. I want them to feel good about spending time with me, that I don't suck their energy from them but give back all that they are giving or needing in a scenario.
I recently had cocktails with some friends and one I haven't seen for a long time. As I was leaving I gave "my girls" hugs and she said to me "I am so happy to see you happy! You are positively glowing!" And I said "I AM happy!". Honestly, happiness doesn't even cover it.
I love me! I love who I am around others. I love my enthusiasm and passion for my life and my kids. I love my openness to new ideas.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Serenity
Damn! I read the posts made by friends...shouldn't have done that. Funny how when I am not trying to do this I can think of a million topics to write about but somehow I am feeling pressured in this moment to write something that just in case someone reads this...it will affect them. Talk about having an ego!!!! I have found that to be true in so many things with myself. My ego gets in the way. This writing is not so that I can touch others, but so that I can stay in touch with my source and my God. My destiny, and my peacefulness. It is not meant to be inspiring toothers, but only to serve as my outlet for the power I have in my life.
I could not turn off my brain today as I was driving alone. I could not focus any of my energy on anything other than the pure joy I felt in my own serenity. Serenity seems like the wrong word but if I am defining it correctly in my mind it is basically a calm, peace, free of turmoil state. It was indeed serenity although at times it felt frantic and amazing, and awesome! I always came back to the work serenity. Free of turmoil. I am moving toward a goal of full-time clarity and not just the glimpses I have seen and felt in the last few months. I want to be able to harness all that I have going on right now and keep it steady and flowing throughout the hours of my day.
I could not turn off my brain today as I was driving alone. I could not focus any of my energy on anything other than the pure joy I felt in my own serenity. Serenity seems like the wrong word but if I am defining it correctly in my mind it is basically a calm, peace, free of turmoil state. It was indeed serenity although at times it felt frantic and amazing, and awesome! I always came back to the work serenity. Free of turmoil. I am moving toward a goal of full-time clarity and not just the glimpses I have seen and felt in the last few months. I want to be able to harness all that I have going on right now and keep it steady and flowing throughout the hours of my day.
Settling my mind...
How I continually get amazed at what I KNOW is right is beyond me. After last night's writing session I slept very well. Which has been a very sporadic problem for me since about the middle of February. I have only gotten really good sleep after I have been absoloutely exhausted or fully connected in a reading/journaling session. Last night was no accident. Another wonderful thing is that I actually dreamed!!! Nothing poignant or amazing just a good dream. Progress...
As I laid in bed last night, it was was actually this morning at 1am, I practiced some visualization....I attempt to see the faces of the people that I want to send my energy to. Picture them receiving it and using it for whatever their needs are at the moment. For one person it is for overcoming some sadness. For another I send energy in order to help them with a difficult decision. For another I visualize sending energy that is used for their own deliberate creating.
I have found this an extrememly difficult process in the recent weeks because I find that my own mind is running 1000 miles an hour with all of the things that I have going on. I have never classified myself as being a frivolous in my thoughts. I guess that isn't the word I am really looking for, but... Maybe scatter-brained is more what I am looking for. But that doesn't really fit either. I have never thought that I am a person that is unable to focus and deliberately think on topics for extended periods. That is only becuase I haven't really tried. The process of visualization takes an amount of concentration and meditation that I find difficult to achieve. I can sit or lie with my eyes closed and see a face or a situation clearly then conjur in my mind what the energy I have looks like and see it being sent....it takes several tries to re-focus after I have seen, the snow outside, or a job I am on, or my skids' schedules or what I need at the grocery store. However, I found it to be exhilarating last night.
I am sure that it was the combination of being pretty tired since it was 1 am, and I was feeling SO grounded and centered so it was a bit easier. I trust that the work I do in this realm can be felt by those in my mind and heart. I have felt really powerful mentally lately and I believe that this is a wonderful way for me to "share the wealth" and tone it down enough in my own mind so that I can indeed focus on my own intention. Love, beauty and abundance.
As I laid in bed last night, it was was actually this morning at 1am, I practiced some visualization....I attempt to see the faces of the people that I want to send my energy to. Picture them receiving it and using it for whatever their needs are at the moment. For one person it is for overcoming some sadness. For another I send energy in order to help them with a difficult decision. For another I visualize sending energy that is used for their own deliberate creating.
I have found this an extrememly difficult process in the recent weeks because I find that my own mind is running 1000 miles an hour with all of the things that I have going on. I have never classified myself as being a frivolous in my thoughts. I guess that isn't the word I am really looking for, but... Maybe scatter-brained is more what I am looking for. But that doesn't really fit either. I have never thought that I am a person that is unable to focus and deliberately think on topics for extended periods. That is only becuase I haven't really tried. The process of visualization takes an amount of concentration and meditation that I find difficult to achieve. I can sit or lie with my eyes closed and see a face or a situation clearly then conjur in my mind what the energy I have looks like and see it being sent....it takes several tries to re-focus after I have seen, the snow outside, or a job I am on, or my skids' schedules or what I need at the grocery store. However, I found it to be exhilarating last night.
I am sure that it was the combination of being pretty tired since it was 1 am, and I was feeling SO grounded and centered so it was a bit easier. I trust that the work I do in this realm can be felt by those in my mind and heart. I have felt really powerful mentally lately and I believe that this is a wonderful way for me to "share the wealth" and tone it down enough in my own mind so that I can indeed focus on my own intention. Love, beauty and abundance.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
In the workshop....
The workshop is the place to go on a daily basis to sit and be quiet and for me to deliberately create what I want. Well, I try to attend my workshops daily but have found it difficult to manage lately. In my workshops recently I have been extremely unispired. I have felt that it is my actual writing that is holding me back. I am writing the same things. Thinking the same things and finding it difficult to be creative in any way with the writing. So, this evening in my workshop I have felt inspired to start my blog anew. I sit now, eyes closed typing away "in the zone"...
I started this blog in the summer of 2005. The name of my blog remains the same as that is what I am here to do. Open up and find my truth. This blogspot of trustjourneytruth began at a very stressful time of my life. It did not last long as I was seraching desperately for a safe place to lay it all out and got REALLY lost in so many ways. The wonders of technology saved those entries for me.....I read them and quickly deleted them. Talking about, reading about and thinking about the past is a very bad habit!! I start my blog now with hope and a true sense of myself. No stress....no desperate search for what I should do. Just the understanding that this is what I need to do in order to live my life fully. In order to always stay connected to my source. I am not venting, I am releasing my power by giving it an outlet.
I can create anything I want in my life. All I need to do is think it and it is so. To be easily distracted by many things is a VERY challenging postition I put myself in on a pretty regular basis. I can sit and be peaceful as I am now, and I can also feel frantic and anxious tomorrow when I am allowing myself to be distracted.
I have found myself classifying a recent relationship as a distraction and questioning myself in the situation. However, I have found NO peace whatsoever when I use that distinction to describe. I fully believe that I attract people into my life and that I must allow everything the relationship brings. Allowing is difficult when one constantly questions why. I cannot and do not want to figure out why. I just want it to be. So, how can I do that and still have the fine line of my intention and what I want intact? Well, I can say that I want many things and that all of these things will come to me as I only think of them and not the lack of them. Here's what I want.
I want to someone in my that I can be active with, to laugh a lot and have fun. Altogether enjoy being around.
I want to stay focused on my intention of living in beauty, love, abundance, openness and creativity. I live in the abundance I create.
I want financial freedom. I want to be VERY busy with good jobs.
I want to own the home on Jefferson street as I know that it will be the place for my children and I to build a HOME together finally!!!
I want to have enough money to travel.
I want to have enough money to pay off my bills within a year from now.
I want myself and my children to always be healthy and disease free.
I want to see my sister and her family on a more regular basis.
I want to be fit and have the desire to stay fit, healthy and tobacco free.
I want to smile every day with my children and stay active with them.
I want my children to be appreciative of our blessings and learn HOW to appreciate from me.
I want to give more of myself and my time to those who are in need.
I want a Harley.
I want my vehicle to always be reliable.
I want my hair to grow faster.
I want my chidren to see in me the joy and passion I have for life. I want them to see that it is up to them to create their own life and that anything they want will come.
All of these things I can type and say without any compunction. So as I typed in the first thing I want....there it is. I am getting what I want. Why am I afraid to let it be? I guess I don't know if I am afraid, I am wary and I think that is different than fear. I do not feel trustworthy in a dating type scenario. I can't put my finger on it yet what exactly is going on. Wait a second!!! WHY must I have any part of it fully defined just to feel better? To rationalize? I don't need to feel better about it, I already feel wonderful!!! Stop! Let it be. Being conscious of my behaviors is ok, fear is not! Fear induces my own betrayal of emotion and truth. Fear brings upon my consciousness the untrusting feelings of myself ....which only draws to me exactly what I DO NOT TRUST IN MYSELF!!!! Trust myself to stay true to my intention. Stay clear on what I want and it will be so. I am clear with what I want. I have created it deliberately by thinking it and believeing it to be there. I must now learn how to allow all of those things to manifest in my life. Asking and believing....then being presented with what you want and believed to be coming.....then not allowing it to be so. What a shame that is. I WILL NOT be that person. I will allow all that I want and believe to come to me.
Call it what you will the Universe, Allah, God, Jesus Christ, Budda, Jehovah, The Holy Spirit....I it is my belief that all of those are ONE. That all of those are one and that WE are a part of it. We can and should expect all of the things we want to become reality. What is the good in hoping for, thinking of and then receiving all the crap???? I only want the good. I no longer need the junk in my life to learn lessons. I need only to trust myself and the emotions that guide my being. Consciousness in conscience. Intention....
WOW! In the past 3 weeks I have had moments of what I call "being on fire" but nothing like this with my "writing". Peaceful and true to myself. I needed this and have to thank my friend Kendra for posting on FB that she was updating her blog. When I saw that I knew immediately that this is where I would find my creativity, wisdom, peacefulness, trust of myself and my truth. Aaaaahhhhhh......serenity.
I started this blog in the summer of 2005. The name of my blog remains the same as that is what I am here to do. Open up and find my truth. This blogspot of trustjourneytruth began at a very stressful time of my life. It did not last long as I was seraching desperately for a safe place to lay it all out and got REALLY lost in so many ways. The wonders of technology saved those entries for me.....I read them and quickly deleted them. Talking about, reading about and thinking about the past is a very bad habit!! I start my blog now with hope and a true sense of myself. No stress....no desperate search for what I should do. Just the understanding that this is what I need to do in order to live my life fully. In order to always stay connected to my source. I am not venting, I am releasing my power by giving it an outlet.
I can create anything I want in my life. All I need to do is think it and it is so. To be easily distracted by many things is a VERY challenging postition I put myself in on a pretty regular basis. I can sit and be peaceful as I am now, and I can also feel frantic and anxious tomorrow when I am allowing myself to be distracted.
I have found myself classifying a recent relationship as a distraction and questioning myself in the situation. However, I have found NO peace whatsoever when I use that distinction to describe. I fully believe that I attract people into my life and that I must allow everything the relationship brings. Allowing is difficult when one constantly questions why. I cannot and do not want to figure out why. I just want it to be. So, how can I do that and still have the fine line of my intention and what I want intact? Well, I can say that I want many things and that all of these things will come to me as I only think of them and not the lack of them. Here's what I want.
I want to someone in my that I can be active with, to laugh a lot and have fun. Altogether enjoy being around.
I want to stay focused on my intention of living in beauty, love, abundance, openness and creativity. I live in the abundance I create.
I want financial freedom. I want to be VERY busy with good jobs.
I want to own the home on Jefferson street as I know that it will be the place for my children and I to build a HOME together finally!!!
I want to have enough money to travel.
I want to have enough money to pay off my bills within a year from now.
I want myself and my children to always be healthy and disease free.
I want to see my sister and her family on a more regular basis.
I want to be fit and have the desire to stay fit, healthy and tobacco free.
I want to smile every day with my children and stay active with them.
I want my children to be appreciative of our blessings and learn HOW to appreciate from me.
I want to give more of myself and my time to those who are in need.
I want a Harley.
I want my vehicle to always be reliable.
I want my hair to grow faster.
I want my chidren to see in me the joy and passion I have for life. I want them to see that it is up to them to create their own life and that anything they want will come.
All of these things I can type and say without any compunction. So as I typed in the first thing I want....there it is. I am getting what I want. Why am I afraid to let it be? I guess I don't know if I am afraid, I am wary and I think that is different than fear. I do not feel trustworthy in a dating type scenario. I can't put my finger on it yet what exactly is going on. Wait a second!!! WHY must I have any part of it fully defined just to feel better? To rationalize? I don't need to feel better about it, I already feel wonderful!!! Stop! Let it be. Being conscious of my behaviors is ok, fear is not! Fear induces my own betrayal of emotion and truth. Fear brings upon my consciousness the untrusting feelings of myself ....which only draws to me exactly what I DO NOT TRUST IN MYSELF!!!! Trust myself to stay true to my intention. Stay clear on what I want and it will be so. I am clear with what I want. I have created it deliberately by thinking it and believeing it to be there. I must now learn how to allow all of those things to manifest in my life. Asking and believing....then being presented with what you want and believed to be coming.....then not allowing it to be so. What a shame that is. I WILL NOT be that person. I will allow all that I want and believe to come to me.
Call it what you will the Universe, Allah, God, Jesus Christ, Budda, Jehovah, The Holy Spirit....I it is my belief that all of those are ONE. That all of those are one and that WE are a part of it. We can and should expect all of the things we want to become reality. What is the good in hoping for, thinking of and then receiving all the crap???? I only want the good. I no longer need the junk in my life to learn lessons. I need only to trust myself and the emotions that guide my being. Consciousness in conscience. Intention....
WOW! In the past 3 weeks I have had moments of what I call "being on fire" but nothing like this with my "writing". Peaceful and true to myself. I needed this and have to thank my friend Kendra for posting on FB that she was updating her blog. When I saw that I knew immediately that this is where I would find my creativity, wisdom, peacefulness, trust of myself and my truth. Aaaaahhhhhh......serenity.
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