My complacency is unacceptable.

The issue we talked about isn't mine but somehow I like to make things mine :) Let it be what it is.

My awareness often comes later than I would like. Being somewhat controlling, I like to be the one to see what I need to in myself and not have to only realize it when something is pointed out. That is, I know, selfish and slightly ridiculous but I can admit to both of those things.

The laws of attraction, deliberate intent and allowing take diligence and conscious effort. Both of those things have been absent in me recently. I will not subscribe to the beating myself up school of thought over not paying attention, however, it is difficult to not be disappointed in myself over the complacency I allow in myself.

That said, I have the responsibility to myself to continually pay attention and be aware of what is going on in my behavior and words. There is no feeling worse than the shame I feel when having someone tell me that something I said or did was hurtful. I realize that it is better to be told than to be completely unaware but I believe myself to be more responsible than all of that behavior. I do not need to be perfect all the time but being blatantly oblivious is unacceptable.

Come on Amy, pay attention. Attract, create and allow!

What they don't realize is that not every woman they meet is dying to have a ring on their finger and to be spoiled, pampered etc... The evasiveness that so many men use as a tactic is SO irritating and immature. Not realizing what they are attracting by behaving like that is so sad.

I want someone to spend time with having fun. Golfing, hiking, lake, cooking, socializing! That's it! I don't believe that it is out of the question that I would be able to find someone that is up for that! It isn't as though I am burning through lots of options, but have met a couple of attractive, seemingly interesting and fun people. But when you can't have an actual conversation without dragging information out it gets a bit frustrating.

I consider my Golden, CO resident to be a really good friend. Living 400 miles apart takes some of the bang out of the relationship as well as some other things. But it is all good. I enjoy his company, his smile and just him in general. It is exactly what it is supposed to be no matter how hard we may have tried to have it be a little different. The new always wears off. Now it is maintaining the friendship that is at hand. To be honest it is really better this way anyway because anymore and I could see myself getting out of hand no matter how often I say I wouldn't.

Life is good and I am attracting everything I want.

My phases of spending.

Uh oh! There I went again! Spending, spending, spending. Oh well, it is stopping today! I am not really that upset about the money I have spent in the last couple of months, but it sure can't go on. The trees are not blooming cash so it is time to put on the brakes. I continually wonder when I will decide that it is more important to save than to spend. Well, I know it is more important, but it sure isn't as fun! But the fun bus has to stop and it has.

I have some good work coming up and I am SO blessed by all the phone calls I receive. Two yesterday and that excites me.

I want to be able to set goals for saving, paying off debt and budget my expenses. I have a difficult time toning it down though when I create the free time that I have been in the past couple of months. Spring is finally here and with the personal things I have been going through it is easy to head out and just buy what I want.

But, at 38 years old it is time to focus on my financial future. I am moving into a house that is going to cost me almost $300 more per month and need to focus on that. This adorable little house is going to take some cash over the next couple of years and the frivolous spending is going to take away from that. I don't want to work until I am 80 so I have to start "paying myself" in the way of my IRA first every month instead of just thinking about doing it. Here's the plan...

1. Stop writing the checks for cash at the favorite pub and just take enough for a cocktail or two.

2. Work smarter even when I am not swamped busy. I tend to create lots of free time and take longer completing jobs when I am not booked solid.

3. I have essentially stopped eating out but still spend on convenience store items for the kids AND myself. Better planning for snacks is imperative.

4. Get my invoices out in a more timely fashion so that the cash flow is more consistent.

5. Moving into the new house...Get organized with bills and paperwork so that nothing important is missed in a month. I haven't missed any important payments, but damn, it is inevitable if I don't get more organized.

6. Fun does no have to include spending. My golfing shouldn't cost any more this summer so that fun is taken care of. The kids' activities shouldn't cost anything but a few dollars at the concession stand when they "need" it! I won't be spending any money on myself for drinks etc...at the concession stands.

So, that is a beginning anyway. Realizing my weaknesses in spending sooner rather than later is a good thing. Time to buckle down and get the bills paid off.

I would really like to be debt free in 5 years. That is going to take some planning. I realize I might need some help in that area but for now this is a very good start.

Life is going perfectly for me! I am attracting what I want and loving every second of it.

I woke up this morning to what I should be saying was the pleasant sounds of the birds singing. But, when they are inthe bush right outside my window, chirping two annoying and really loud repetitive sounds....a person just has to go out with the broom to chase them away!!!

Had a great weekend in Sheridan with Rachel's soccer team. I am finally coming to enjoy those times with her! I used to get irritated about the cost of such a trip, the time it took away from other things etc... But I decided a year or so ago that I would embrace these things with my kids and emjoy them as this time in my life is so short! Her team won the tournament and it is so fun to see the smiles on their faces after a victory! Tonight they play a group of boys and it is always fun to watch them get agressive against bigger, stronger kids.

I had a talk with Nick last night about the going to be a teenager activities that young men engage in. I find it so important to keep those lines of communication open and to let him know what is going to be coming up for him. As much as I can anyway. That he should ask me if he has any questions because i know that his friends may talk and that they may not really know what they are talking about. He is such a great kid! I just asked him about what he and his friends talk about etc...and if he wanted me to tell him about different topics. It was a really nice talk and I wanted him to know that it is normal. Gave him the guidelines as to privacy etc...

I adore my kids and they are the most important things in my life.

I am kicking myself for making that last trip to Denver as Penny is heading down there Wed. to go househunting. If I hadn't switched that last weekend, I would be able to join her. Paying the piper I guess. As far as the relationship there goes, it is pretty much at a total stand still. Intimacy issues on the other end are keeping me from investing too much more time. It begins to get complicated and the last thing I want or need in my life is complicated. I don't think that it is a conscious thought process to get over them or understand the reasons and I am not going to be the counselor. I really like the relationship! For the most part it is a positive, fun, experience. All of the joking around and ribbing is fun but even though I don't want a serious relationship, there comes a time when a bit more is required in the way of intimate conversation etc... For me anyway. But, does that eventually lead to a serious relationship? I don't know. I have never approached any like I am now and I suppose it remains to be seen. The relationship really is all about him in many ways and that is one thing that I will not compromise. I am at a time in my life when I know what I want and won't settle. So, there is another reason for the stand still. It is what it is. I enjoy the friendship and suppose that is where it will stand.